Silver Lining

First of all, thank you so much for all the nice comments on my last post. It really did make me feel better.

Second, if I had known Tuesday was going to be the absolute worst day before I started feeling better again, maybe I wouldn't have whined quite so much. Yesterday was manageable and today was an absolute dream. I was able to be productive at work for the first time in weeks and I made it through the whole day without a nap, which is unbelievable. I'm not even going to tempt fate by suggesting that this might be the end of the worst of it, but I'm sure you all know what I'm hoping for.

Now, a little story. It turns out, I get very nervous before doctors appointments. I haven't always been this way--just lately with any appointment related to the bean. The closer it gets to the appointment, the more and more I start to worry about hearing bad news. Today was our second prenatal visit and I texted the boy during the day to say that I didn't want to go anymore. I was really very scared of hearing bad news. Well, we did end up going and it was definitely worth it. We heard the jelly bean's little heart beating away. It was nervewracking there for a few minutes because the student midwife had a difficult time finding it at first. All of us--the boy, the student midwife, the no-longer a student midwife, and I--were holding our breaths. Finally, there the little one was, hiding, but there.

Hearing the heartbeat on the doppler is such a huge hurdle. Eight weeks ago, it seemed like a lifetime away. Our little bean is now officially a fetus, has its own placenta, and a heartbeat loud enough for the mamas to hear. I'm so proud!

Its my (pity) party and I'll whine if I want to

It turns out, it was a bit optimistic for me to be hoping the morning sickness was tapering off at 9 weeks. I had those few blissful days of relief, followed by a couple weeks of a kinder, gentler nausea that was totally manageable and now I'm hit with this. I've been told I tend towards the dramatic, but even I'm at a loss to come up with words horrifying enough to describe this feeling. Every day is worse than the one before, the nausea has invaded every fiber of my being and is waking me up at night (seriously waking me up in the middle of the night so that I can roll around feeling sick to my stomach)! Its relentless--I feel sick every second of the day. I can't think. I can't get out of bed. Today, I woke up, dropped my beloved off at the train and drove an hour to work only to walk into the building, take one look at my desk, and turn right around and come home. I couldn't face even the idea of sitting down and pretending to work while this nausea has its claws in me. And the exhaustion! Oh, I'm so incredibly tired. On more than one occasion I have debated whether I really need to get out of bed to go to the bathroom or maybe I can hold it a while longer because the 20 paces to the bathroom might as well be 20 miles.

Out the window is the idea that I wouldn't be eating refined sugar while pregnant. Ha! That's a laugh--gatorade, chocolate, and gingersnaps are the only things that are helping me to hang on. The idea that I would only eat organic produce? I'm pretty sure all the takeout places we've been visiting aren't buying organic. Oh, and the one where I would be a wonderful partner who continued to do her fair share of household tasks and still prepare meals for her adorable partner who doesn't cook? Not while I'm exhausted and heading to bed the second I get home (oh, that's on the days when I actually stay at work).

And the final straw? I promised myself that I would never, no matter how awful I felt, complain about being pregnant. I know how fortunate I am and what a gift I've been given. I'm a miserable, ungrateful, nauseous twit but this has to, has GOT to end. Now. Please? I know they mean well, but so many people have been telling me their morning sickness ended at 14 weeks and I just can't hear it. Two more weeks? Are ya freakin' kidding me? Has anyone ever died from this? I may well be the first.

And if you're thinking that I'm a creampuff who will never, ever make it through an unmedicated birth, you're not alone. That thought has crossed my mind too.

Random Thoughts

Because I can't be troubled to create paragraphs today:

• We protested prop 8 in NYC on Saturday. Neither of us took any pictures, but you can find some here, here, and here.

• I bought my first pair of maternity pants. Because its so early, I felt weird about it for a second. That's all over now that I have these babies on. So. Comfortable.

• I have all of the pieces of Apricot Jacket completed and I started seaming them up last night. It should be done just in time for me to be too big to wear it. *sigh*

• I have started knitting a blanket for jelly bean, but it is very slow going. It may make a nice 1st birthday present. :)

• I am no longer vegan. This decision was made after a lot of research (including discussions with both a nutritionist and midwife) and some soul searching. I think it may be possible for some women to have healthy pregnancies while on a vegan diet, but I've determined its not possible for me. Try as I may, I cannot get the recommended amount of protein without eating huge amounts of soy and, while the jury may still be out on the possible dangers of soy, its not a risk I'm willing to take with the little bean. I originally became vegan because of moral issues with factory farming and I still have concerns about hormones in dairy products, so this was not a decision I made lightly. For me though, the best thing is to go back to eating cheese, eggs, and yogurt (I'm still vegetarian, not taking things too far!).

A Light in the Darkness

I've been a little hesitant to post any kind of pregnancy update because anything I would have posted over the last week may have sounded like complaining, which is not where I'm at. I'm thrilled to be pregnant and already in love with our little jelly bean, but I've really been having a rough time during this first trimester.

I've been nauseous all day, every day and it was getting worse every day until last week I wasn't sure I could take any more. I've been having strange food aversions (could not even look at beans) and really only wanted to eat junk. I haven't been able to even think about drinking water even though I'm incredibly thirsty and all the sugar from the fruit juice I've been having has made me feel more sick and jittery. (There, that's the complaining part.) But . .

But, thank the universe, I woke up yesterday morning and drank a full glass of water. I took my prenatal vitamins without gagging and tempted fate by having a bean salad at lunch and you know what? I was FINE!! Today is even better than yesterday with just a little bit of nausea which is so totally manageable its not even worth mentioning. I don't even have the words to describe both how bad I felt before and how incredibly amazing I feel now. This morning, I helped the sweetie make breakfast and lunches and straightened up around the house instead of my usual routine of whining about how bad I feel.

I think this kind of thing is similar to labor in that people who've been through it remember it as not being such a big deal. A lot of people have been telling me, "Oh, I was a little sick, but it wasn't so bad." Last week, a comment like that would have been met with expletives from yours truly, but today I can almost see that perspective.

Even if this is just a temporary reprieve, I'm so thankful for it. Its just what I needed to get me through another couple weeks.

Introducing . . . . Our Jelly Bean

We had our first midwife appointment on Friday. I didn't think I would be as nervous as I was, but full panic set in around Tuesday. Part of me didn't even want to go because I didn't want to hear any bad news. Thank goodness I did end up going, or I would have missed out on this:
Hello little one!!

He/she is measuring right on target and we were able to see the little heart beating. The ultrasound wasn't fancy enough to allow us to hear the heartbeat, but the midwife assured us that by the next appointment, we should be able to pick it up on doppler. If you look close, you can see that the little bean already has tiny arms and legs!

I am so thrilled and so completely excited to be pregnant. Emotionally and spiritually, I could not be happier. Physically, I feel kind of lousy though. My morning sickness would be better named all-day sickness and I'm so exhausted that its really a struggle to get out of bed (and stay that way!). I know this is temporary and certainly its well worth it but I have to admit that I'm starting to look forward to the second trimester when I'll (hopefully) start feeling better.

Catching Up

Thank you so much for the well wishes on our big news; the boy and I are both thrilled and so grateful for the support. We've known that I'm pregnant for almost a month now, which puts me well into my seventh week. Those first couple days I was holding my breath and trying not to make any rapid movements, for fear something might happen. The whole thing was so huge that we had to have little goals. At first it was literally making it through one day. If I was still pregnant at the end of the day, we were doing good. Then, when I was having blood tests every couple days, the goal stretched out to the next test. We're now to the point where I feel comfortable talking in weeks. We're still taking it day by day, but every week that passes makes me more and more comfortable thinking about the possibility of having a baby in our arms come June. There's still a lot of worry and uncertainty, clearly, but we're in a good place today and that's all we can ask for.

Over the past couple weeks, I've had a handful of early pregnancy symptoms--some I was expecting and others that were complete surprises. (I thought I knew what pregnancy was all about, but there are some things you mamas aren't talking about!) Its been amazing to witness my body making these changes and taking the first couple steps in nurturing a whole person inside me. (A whole person! I can't get over how wonderful and amazing it all is.)

I had some queasiness early on, but morning sickness started full force in week 6 and has gotten steadily worse. Even this is strange and exciting. I've never had nausea without all the accompanying flu or hangover symptoms. And I've never before felt hungry and nauseous at the same time, that's interesting. I'm trying all the tricks I've read about to lessen the severity (eating frequent, small meals and lots of saltines). Even though morning sickness is my near-constant companion, I've already started having cravings. The last week, all I've wanted to eat is mexican food. Dried fruit, nuts, and beans (prepregnancy staples of my diet) are revolting to me. And I've spent the majority of my life to this point detesting avocados, but now? I cannot get enough guacamole. I would eat it all day if we could keep enough in the house.

I've been tearing through all the pregnancy books I was too superstitious to read before I got pregnant and eyeing the labor and delivery books with some trepidation. We're working through the long list of things to do that has been filed under the category of "to do after we get pregnant, before baby comes." Aside from you all, we've told a few close family members and are waiting a few more weeks to make a general announcement. (I'm still deciding if I'm superstitious about that too.)

And that, dear readers, should get us all caught up.

Babymaking--Take Two

Attempt #2 was meant to go the same as #1. We arrived at the doctor's office a few days before I was scheduled to ovulate, where an ultrasound was performed to see which ovary was at bat this month. The egg was coming from the left (the one the doctor told us was likely no good) and it wasn't quite ready yet. I was a little bit disappointed because I really didn't want to wait a whole month before we could try again. Walking out of the doctor's office, the boy turned to me and said, "I'd be OK with inseminating the left ovary." That statement changed our whole approach. If we don't care which ovary, then we don't need the ultrasounds. Without the ultrasounds, we wouldn't know when to use the hormone injection to force me to ovulate and we could just let my body pick the timing. If we don't care which ovary, we are back to the plan that we made before the doctor was able to convince us that we needed all of his help. It felt good to give my body a chance and so we decided to roll the dice on lefty.

It took a little work to convince the people at the doctor's office to just give us our frozen samples to take home (they really wanted to prepare them for us), but finally we ended up with a nitrogen tank in our living room. And we waited. And waited. Stress can delay ovulation, did you know? I was worried that I'd mess up the timing and we'd have wasted both the time spent waiting and the money spent on samples. I worried that the samples would thaw out and be ruined before we'd had a chance to use them. Honestly, it all started to get to me and I had a little meltdown. I started to feel like I would never be able to get pregnant from of all this checking and worrying and waiting. It all felt ridiculous and the stress was just too much. I finally let go of trying to control every aspect of this process and trying to be an expert at it. I gave myself permission to be human and, of course, that eliminated the stress I was feeling and allowed my body to get on with it.

The timing was the big issue. Attempt #1 was easy--doctor told us when to do everything. Without doctor's help, it was on me to decide when all this should happen. I was getting anxious that we'd miss it and I decided that would be the worst case. Its better to be early than late (but not too early). I finally got too nervous to wait any longer (I'd let go a little, but not completely) and I told sweetie it was time. We did our routine two days in a row and the sweetie was wonderful. There were some nerves the first month, but on the second attempt, the boy was a pro. Afterwards, we waited for confirmation that I'd ovulated. And waited (sound familiar?). I had planned that we would have one insemination the day before ovulation and one the day of. And I was wrong. We were too early by one day. The boy had performed perfectly, but I had let us down. And again, I let go and all my remaining stress left. We were both disappointed and started looking forward to next month so we could try again.

Not long after this, we went away to get engaged. We came back and I was a mess. Everything felt wrong in my, uh, girly bits. I decided maybe this trying to get pregnant thing wasn't agreeing with me. I'd gotten a bad cold immediately after inseminating the first month and now this? I was not amused, and not quite sure what was happening to me.

Now, before we got on this ride, the sweetie and I had decided how many days we'd wait before taking a pregnancy test. Too early, and you risk getting a false negative, too late and you're driven crazy with the waiting and not knowing. I wanted to have the day in mind before we started so that I wouldn't be tempted--I could tell myself to just be patient and wait for test day. Test day happened to fall on a Monday and all weekend, the sweetie was impatient. Test now, test now, test now!! Monday was so close, though, so I was able to convince the boy that it was best to wait.

Monday morning I woke up early, went to the bathroom, and took the test. With this particular test, you wait three minutes and if there are two lines you're pregnant, one line means you're not. I took the test, half awake, and tried to keep an eye on my watch without waking up too much. The night before we'd both said we thought it would be negative since our timing was off. I just wanted to see it be negative and go back to bed. I glanced over at the test. It was early, maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I thought I saw a shadow where the second line should be. I waited a few more seconds and looked again. Strange, the shadow had gotten darker. I rubbed my eyes and kept watching, wide awake at this point. Finally, I couldn't deny it any longer. I saw two lines. Two lines = pregnant.

I came flying out of the bathroom and crashed my way into the bedroom. I grabbed the boy and turned around, heading back into the bathroom without pausing. I'm actually surprised the boy was able to get feet on the ground before being literally dragged down the hall. There certainly wasn't time for such things as glasses. "Do you see two lines??!!" The boy leaned close. Even without glasses, there it was. Two lines = pregnant.

We looked at each other, speechless.

Two lines.

Pregnant.

It freaking worked!